I think I'm totally INSANE!!!

Suddenly thoughts have been coming in my mind~~

And i then realised certain stuffs, I realised that we had only know each other for merely for 2 months....

And i start to confess to her, expecting her to be with me immediately~

WTF????

And it's definitely not because of me depriving of finding a gf immediately~~

Is because, I've been thinking about the future about me and her, happily together~

Laughing and enjoying~

But i guess it's just day dreaming ba~~

Certain days, I will think of the happy moments of me and her~~

And definitely certain days, I will think of all the sad moments of what i had done to her~~

Recently a friend of mine had told me about a story regarding a toothpaste~

He said that when you squeeze out all the toothpaste from the tube, it is rather very easy, but when you are asked to put back every single bit of the the toothpaste back into the tube, it's very difficult~

So the morale of story is saying that, it's easy to say out all the nasty stuffs out, but when you want to take it back it's difficult, and the remaining toothpaste that cant be put back, will be the scar that remained~~

She had been making lots of lots of lots of effort to touch him and to earn him so as to be with him~~

But do i have the same rights too, to do the same thing???

Deep in my heart....

You are worth it, but what if, it's nver gonna be working??

My heart is very contradicting.....

You are a amazing girl who i want you to be mine~
But you once told me that you are not easy to get~
There's sometime when i'm feeling down, and start to ignore you....
You said that if i really like you that much, i shouldnt just give up like that~

But how about now???????
You are still worth it.....
But you are no longer mine to be kept~
As your heart are given to another guy~~

Some told me, to continue to put in effort to earn her back, some told me to just give up~~
What about me??
I dun wanna give up on you~
But certain stuffs are not up to me to decide isn't it??
I do not want to be the one being persistent and the one keep pressurizing you~~
I want you to be happy and i want to be there for you when you feel lonely at night, want to have a shoulder to lean on whenever you feel like crying~

I am all willing to make all these effort~~

But i know that deep down in your heart, the one you want to have accompany of and the shoulder to lean on-------is him~

Love is Blind???

Love is blind??

Can it used to cover our mistakes that we had done???

Idk....

So i went to google search it~~
"

Origin

This was coined by Shakespeare and was quite a favourite line of his. It appears in several of his plays, including Two Gentlemen of Verona, Henry V and The Merchant Of Venice; for example, this piece fromThe Merchant Of Venice, 1596:

JESSICA: Here, catch this casket; it is worth the pains.
I am glad 'tis night, you do not look on me,
For I am much ashamed of my exchange:
But love is blind and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit;
For if they could, Cupid himself would blush
To see me thus transformed to a boy.

"
Even after reading this that was originated by Shakespeare, I totally dun understand what he meant~~

So i search again, and someone said this~


"
It means that when you are in love, the emotion, it can cloud your mental vision to see things clearly as they are. Its mostly used to state that there is a problem that a person can not see because they are in love with a person to which a problem is or exists. 
"


Perhaps seeing this answer, it will be more clearer of what it meant ba~

Sometimes people in this worse, may do lots of wrong things, silly things or wrong things just to salvage the broken relationships~

People may let jealousy, anger, sadness, or any other bad factors to salvage it....

For example, injuring oneself, or showing the weak side of them just to gain sympathy and hopefully that the other person will notice and return back to them to care and concern~

Another example, show how angry one person can get, by blowing his/her top, saying nasty stuffs, that dun actually meant it...

For example, saying stuffs like questioning the other person," Are you playing with my feelings" or whatsoever....

I then realised that when the person said this, he/she is totally accusing the other person like saying that that person is a player or what....

Sometimes people wanna get assurance, if whether the effort being made is progressing or not~~

When oneself got impatient and got carried away, he/she will start to lose his/her mind, thinking that all the effort being put in is not being acknowledge, and will tend to be demoralized and of course start to pressure the other person, getting even more afraid of losing the other person~

I dunno if anyone will agree or what, just the thoughts of mine~

Being together, trust is a very important factor, and to some people, what's really the definition of trust??

If one person start to lose the trust in other, no matter how much good intention the other person did, that one person will start to be defensive over that other person, thinking if he/she is still worth to trust~


In my life, I wasn't given much chances to salvage anything, no matter how much effort I wish to put in, people will start to bias against me, start to be defensive over me, and start to doubt me...

But that comes down to one thing, understanding...

I had always shut myself from everyone, working things alone, believing in myself, is all because of the stuffs that happened during my childhood life, getting backstab, best friends drifting away to the fun side...

That left me a trauma, that nver ever believe in other so easily, that build up my independent personality, or the loner me and barrier up my heart against others~


But i always try to believe that for all the effort that i had made, i believe that people will tend to understand me, and give me the chance to explain my act, and tend to stand in my shoes~

I dunno... There are quite few people really willing to give me the chance, is all because of my solitude attitude, the personality that shut people away~


That makes my life in a very disadvantage situation~

I dunno, how i wish that, I wun be so reckless, wun be so much negative of me and will still wish upon the chances to be given to me and give me the chances of all the effort that I will make!!

Missing the old days that's not gonna happened anymore~

Suddenly thinking of the happy stuffs in the past that made me really smile, not really sad thinking of this stuffs, because i know, being sad being depressed, no one will be bothered to care and concern about a guy like me, emotional feelings should always keep to myself, having a few rare tears of mine should have bottled up, because telling the others will just made myself even more pathetic~

But still....
What's done were done, what's said were said....

Still remember, in the past, you are a very nice and cute girl that always make the initiative to webcam with me, and that period was in my life having so many webcam session with one person...

There was a time, during my exam period, was busy studying, and you decide to webcam with me...

Still remember all the silly faces you had made, and all the funny faces of you, it was really cute and nice and funny...

That time i was really really very happy and i was really smiling and laughing when seeing you making funny faces through the webcam....

I had told you before, that i haven't been smiling, or perhaps the kind of smile that is so intense that even the inside of my heart can feel the intense happiness...

And i probably do not know when am i really gonna smile from my heart~~

People ask me, when continue to like her so much and think about her so much, what's so good about her??

I told them this simple reason....

"应为我喜欢她啊~" and with a smile on my face^^

My friends literally kept silent and did not say anymore, cuz they understand, when a guy really like a girl, he will always have a nice impression of that girl~

Some people asked me, do you think you and her will still be together??

I literally said," No".

Because deep down in my heart, Yes or No is not up to me to decide, isn't it??

No matter how i wish to say YES, it's nver gonna happened~~

So yup, all i can do and all i can wish for, is her being happy, and get what she wished for, that I'll be happy for her^^

God Bless You^^

More about me~

Finished talking about others.

Now let's talk about me ba.....

For the past few years, I had learnt a lot about life, about way of dealing stuffs and handling stuffs....

But actually, still now, I do not know how many right things that i had done in my life, because in my and other people memories, I had done and made lots of wrong decisions despite of many observing, listening and learning.....

People always tell me, believe in yourself and believe in your decision, and nver regret for any decisions that have been made....

But seriously speaking, it's really difficult and tough....

I have a dream...

I wanna be an inspiring person, i wanna be a awesome person and i wanna make people to look up to me for the things i had done and definitely be a impressive person.

So ever since I'm a cadet, I have been doing my very best in everything, I had achieved it, fitness, drills, campcraft, parade, leadership, charisma, and definitely confidence.

I always think that if I am the best in everything, in every area, I will be look up by people, but I'm absolutely wrong....

I had start to be arrogant, think too highly of myself, have strong self-esteem, and being self-centered.

I do not know why I'm like that, maybe is because that I look too highly of myself ba....

In the past few years, I had really met lots of awesome people that I trully look up to them alot, my instructors when I'm a cadets.

They are bunch of awesome people, damn zai, and the motivation for keeping me moving, as i wish to be like them when i graduate and wish to be like them.

During my CI life, I got this two senior of mine, called Wong Soo Hou, Alvin and Leon, they really taught me alot alot of things, especially for Alvin, he really taught me and guided me along in my 2 years of CI life, teaching and lecturing me for the wrong things that i had ever done. So really thank you and appreciate.

Then when I start to expose in HQ parade, I met this awesome person, called Rahimi Ramlan, when i first saw him, i was like omg, damn muscular, but that's not the point, i admire alot in his firmness and leadership and influential aura, making me look up to him.

I realised that NPCC had been revolving around my life, or perhaps my life had been revolving around NPCC.
I had done lots of HQ events, parades and ATC/STC.
If i really had the chance, I will like to have my soul flying back to my past looking at my past self, how i am in the past 3 years throughout my CI life.

Sometimes when people that had walked with me for the past 3 years, and when we talk about the past, it is really awesome talking and sharing about our achievement.

And definitely, in my CI life, there are lots of downfall too, all comes back to making wrong decision due to recklessness...

People forgive me, people hate me,people supporting me and people totally disagreeing of what i had done, no matter what, I regret of the stuffs that i had done, that's why when i know of anyone that start to do crazy stuffs or saying about giving up as CI, I will definitely wun wan them to do so or even share with them with my experience all these.

Sometimes, i have been wondering too, is it good thing to show people the weak side of us??
And sometimes i think, is it really good to put in our very best in everything, especially in relationships or trying to fix stuffs???
And even sometimes I wish that people will try to understand each other more....

But then....
You will nver know what kind of person the other person is, and what thing they are thinking in their mind...
I will hope that people will try to know me more and know of my intention.....
But, who will try to believe me,trust me and willing to understand me and know more about me.....
Difficult ba......

I hope that everything will turn out well for everyone.

The history of how the Guy and Girl met~~(Part 2)

Chapter 4 of how i met her again~~

This time was during the end of december at 28 till 29 December of 2011.

That time was Round Ubin Expedition organised by Camp Resilience.
The first time i realised that she was going was through the namelist sent out by the committee.
And i was like,woah, got the chance to meet you again, and we are definitely gonna talk more about STC 2009,hahaha~

So that day, on 28 December, the briefing, they say that we are going to pair up, 2 star and 1 star pairing up, then i didn't know that she was 1 star kayaking as i thought she was 2 star liao.

Then i jiu take this chance to ask her if she wanna pair up together, since we are like know each other and have the fate to keep seeing each other~

The next day on 29 December, it was the actual expedition liao, we all had lots of fun, and sometimes i bully her without her knowing as when she's paddling alone, I was actually holding to others kayak, then she say like paddling very hard not knowing that i'm actually holding others kayak,hahaha :DD

During the expedition, we chat quite a lot, she share some story with me, and me sharing stuffs with her too, that i nver thought why i told her anyway. And even before the expedition, we also talk abit on twitter too.

But that day i really had lots of fun, to know of a new CI and some more is once my cadet :))

Sidetrack~~
then after that period of time when i start to have feelings for her, and start to do something stupid to her~
so one day,7 Feb 2012,midnight 12 plus if i'm not wrong, i text her, to text me when she going to sleep, means on the verge to fall asleep, to tell me as i got something very important to tell her.
She said okay, and i bet she is wondering what i am gonna tell her.
So she texted me that she going sleep liao.
So I called her and just said," Good night~"
And she totally laughed, hahaha,and i admit that it was really funny, hahahaha:D
And instead of her sleeping, we end up talking for 1 hour, hahaha~
Then from that day onward, we start to talk everyday,and on the phone for most of the night, and even make the effort to call her in the early morning when she woke up and said "Morning~~" to her, even if it's not the time for me to wake up yet sometimes, and when she was like still in sleepy mode, her voice was really sloppy but nice to hear too,cuz the voice was really gentle and i like,opps,hahaha:P

Okay back to the story~~

Chapter 5 of meeting her~~
I think it was during CNY period, cant remember what's the date, I think it was during 17 February 2012.She was having a gathering at her house, inviting her class mates, Joanna, Eldora and one more malay and i cant remember who,haha~
And she invited NP people Rahimi, Alvin wee, yu han, one more girl and her child hood friend, li yan, and lastly Aloy and me( the oldest people there)~~
And that day when i saw Alvin wee, i think i had seen him somewhere and i thought that he abit ah beng one, but he was damn guai well behaved there, and i dunno why too,hahaha :D

That day at her house, was quite fun, and damn that Aloy and Liyan(ps uh,haha), trying to create scandal between me and her, tsk sia,hahaha :D

And presenting to you is the her when she is during kindergarden, and yes, is the one on the top right
corner, who is singing very passionately,hahaha:D








I guess, the chapters end here alr.....
This were great and awesome memories of me and her.....
And i hope that.....
Hmmm.....
Nevermind....

If you are seeing this, I hope that all these good memories of us, will be there in your mind, and the most I wish is to forget about all the bad things and weak side of me that you had seen of me.....

Stay happy, and i wish that you will look for me one day sharing the sorrows of yours.....
Looking forward to it~~

The history of how the Guy and Girl met~~

Chapter 1,Our story starts during Area 18 STC 2009, on 27 October till 28 October 2009, just 2 days.

I remember that time me and Cheryl is still together, and she was one of the coords of the camp, that period of one of good experience for us as the CIs that are available are really limited which is about 12 CIs only combining of both ATC and STC side including the Coords.

That time every group were only assigned with 1 CI only and my group have total of 19 cadets, and the number of 19 to just 1 CI was like WOAH!!!!

HAHA,so it's definite a challenge for me to actual remember everyone's name,and amazingly,i manage to do it~

And she was there, that time I didnt really notice much about her, as it was like 3 years back,haha, really old liao.

That time, is my second time going for ATC/STC as a Group Instructor, and my very first time taking STC, sec 3 group and someone a very big group. Really a very big challenge, though it's only for 2 days.

That time being a GI for them, i feel that as a Sec 3, they should be more of  independent as most of them are either NCO or Cadet Leader. So that time I let them be on their own and just observing from far.

Truefully speaking, this very group is the best group i had ever taken, and it's really from the bottom of my heart!! Best group and having the 2 Best Campers from OUR group!! Thanks for who it may concerned, making me your GI :))

And happy to know that some of you had became a CI and really wish to see all of you that became a CI, but i doubt that I will have the chance. And that when you all having POP during your CIBTC, i since now,regretted not being able to attend after i actually promised to attend:(
*and can you all spot her??? haha:D

Chapter 2 of how i met her,
It was during Area 20 ATC/STC, 26 till 27 November 2011.
That day was a Sat, so i was helping as a HRC trainer.

Actually during the camp i didnt notice her at all, till she come talk to me awhile and i then know that her name is Amanda. I didnt know much till the next day when after break camp.

After all of us break camp, we went to compass point to eat at KFC with area 7 people and with another 2 girls from west side one called Liyan and Amanda, and with Aloysius too.

And that was the time when she told me that I was her GI during her Area 18 STC, and i'm like woah!!

And i'm thinking that is she one of the female CI that went to the CIBTC J11 and thought that she was a different person from the one I'm talking with on FB.

So then, I went home and check, and I then realised that THEY WERE THE SAME PERSON!!!!
HAHAHAHA, I WAS LIKE OMG, WHEN I REALISED IT,HAHAHAHA:D


Chapter 3 of how i met her again amazingly~
It was on 4th December 2011, at about 12am plus.
Reason being why??
It was during Standard Chartered Marathon.
That day i was supposed to reach the reporting time at 1am.
So i decided to go and have Mac at Raffles City.

That day, i was like finding seat in the restaurant, thinking if i should sit inside or outside, so i decide to go in and eat since inside got aircon, so when i go in i found this high table but on the left hand side of the table, there's this two girls siting there, so i was thinking if i should sit there or not, and that time i walk pass her once, was thinking if i seen her before, then after i walk pass her twice,she notice me and called me then i realised that she is siting there with her friend studying,called Stephanie Rachael, dunno i spell correctly or not.
Then me and her start to talk more, i then learnt from that she and her friend is volunteering for Standard Chartered Marathon too.
But that time me and her didnt talk much too, cuz we weren't quite close~~

I guess i shall write till here, I think there will be more Chapter about me and her,so stay tuned^^

Let's have a short blog ba, before i go out~~

So the story goes like this which revolve around 3 person, dunno what kind of a relationship is this called, 3rd-party?? or triangle love??

I dunno, so you decide after hearing the story k??

So i shall list this 3 persons as Boy A Boy B and Girl A then~~

Boy A is crazy over Girl A, doing lots of effort to salvage the relationship with her and hope very much that they two could get together where before the quarrel, Girl A do have some feelings for this Boy A who destroyed every piece of this feeling....

However, this Boy B came in when Boy A and Girl A quarrel. This Boy B starts to have feelings for this Girl A, which eventually this Girl A start to have feelings for this Boy B.

Sounds abit sad and happy for Boy A and Girl A respectively~~

But then, got no idea why, this Boy B suddenly dun like this Girl A attitude and his feelings start to fade away...

So Girl A do not want to lose him, and start to crazy over Boy B and  make lots of lots of lots of effort to salvage the relationship with Boy B....

So now, can you people see the similarity of Girl A and Boy A for the effort that make for someone they both love and try to salvage???

There are so many things the Boy A wanna say to Girl A, he even wish upon that perhaps one day they may get together, but Girl A rejected Boy A and stubbornly said that, she will nver ever be with Boy A.

Even so, Boy A still love Girl A, but he can nver ever express his love to Girl A, as in Girl A eyes, the one that she really want, is having Boy B to express love to~

So this silly Boy A had decided to protect Girl A from the dark, and continue to care for her, but true fully speaking, whenever Girl A is sad and needed someone, Boy A know that he will nver ever be the first person to know, and when Girl A need someone, Boy A know that he is not the one that is needed~

Boy A start to pray to the God, that the silly Boy A and silly Girl A will get and granted the wish that they wish for :))

Day goes on~~

It's been weeks of suffering~~

Things may seems to get slight better~~

Working hard to make everything get back to how it was, and i believe i can do it to make my friends to feel different in their life because of me~

Trying to make everyone happy and get back the good friendship between each other, because it really matters to me when my friends start to have problem with their friends~~

Lots of things have to make effort in to salvage everything, and i know i can do it~~

Oh, guess so that I'm still gonna talk about her hahaha:DD

The matter of fact, she is in love with a guy, and that guy, sorry to disappoint everyone,but it's not me,haha~~

The way she treat that guy is how the way i treat her in the past~~

However the weird thing is, they are not together~~

But why???
-- I do not know why too, perhaps that guy is still considering or maybe he dun like her~~
---No idea~~

Last time the reason why i like her, is because of the effort and passion she will always place in a relationship, she will nver give up that easily and she will do everything to love the guy she really love~~

Maybe she might see this or might not, I still like you though i do not know when can i really say that i love you~~

You make me do lots of things that i had nver done in this entire life, like fixing puzzle, making cards, and true fully speaking, it really do need lots of effort as everything is done by myself~~

But still, no matter how much i try to concern about you, the one you really wish to hear from is still him~

Oh well, even though you said that we are gonna stay as how we are, but i will still chance upon even with the slightest chance, I will wanna be with you~~

Hope you stay healthy, be happy, feel loved and blessed:))

God Bless You~~

Love ya^^

things that happened so fast.....

Within 3 months.....

Lots of things just happened.....
3 months ago, met a girl....
suddenly get to know her more and suddenly be close to her....

1 month later during february....
suddenly have a crush on her, and decided to confess to her on valentines....

she said that she did not reject me nor is she accepting, as she do not know if it's a crush or not....
we were hanging around happily and sweet moments were created...

however another 1 month later during march....
everything changed....
i got jealous with her entertaining another guy....
and i lose my cool and scolded at her....
all i did was to care about my feelings and keep asking for alot from her and assurance from her,that made her eventually pissed off....
really regretted ttm,even till now, as it's all because that i am just too afraid of losing her....

another month later during april....
things got even worse....
she talked to me that we should end everything and should just remain as friends....
at first, i am fine and i thought that i could be very 潇洒...
but i realised that i cant....

then the next day,i was very very very sad, can feel the intense pain in my heart....
and till recently, came to know that there's a guy who like her and she also like that guy(i think,though she nver say so)

i was like....
omg....
and why issit him...
so i try to accept the fact....

den suddenly something happened between him and her....
i really dunno what happened....
she was very sad from what she posted on twitter though i didnt follow her, and i didnt know till my friend told me after my friend saw her tweet....

i was so damn worried, cuz she cried, and i want to be by her side to keep her accompany and i did not expect anything in return, just do not want her to be sad alone....
so i rushed down all the way to her house and talk to her....

and to my shock....

she is smiling away and laughing away saying that she's alright and fine....
in my heart, i was like....
you cried,and it's must be something very intense that you were sad the entire day....
how can a person just simply cried finish and smile and laugh the next moment?????
so in the end i got even more worried....
i don't know what else i can do.....

all i can do is to believe her that she will be fine....

The Day You Are Gone~~

Today is the 3rd day that you are gone in singapore~~

Tml you will be coming back from Bangkok and i will be gone for my 4d4n Ipoh,Malaysia Gopeng Adventure Camp le~~

I hope that you enjoyed your trip a lot with your bunch of good friends~~
The day that you are gone, I've been thinking a lot between us and absolutely got lots of thing i wanna tell you, I have been trying my very best as i promise you that I will get over with it and show you that I will be of a better person!!!

I hope that things will go back to how everything were before NPAP period and continue to talk to you happily:)

When I go for the camp, I will definitely miss Singapore,miss my home,miss my family,miss my friends and definitely miss you a lot~

So i hope that you will still wish to see me after i come back~

This is my schedule for the camp for whom may concern about it:

DAY 1

0800 Assemble @ SP

Pre departure briefing & Facilitation by NCC

1000 Depart to Gopeng

1800 Arrive at Gopeng

1900 Dinner/ Activity

2200 Lights out

DAY 2

0700 Check in and breakfast at adventure camp centre

0800 Camp rules and safety briefing

0830 Activities brief

0900 Team Building Station Games

1100 Caving at Gua Tempurung

1300 Lunch

1400 Whitewater Rafting

1630 Transfer back to adventure camp centre

1700 Activities debrief

1800 Wash up

1900 Dinner

2000 Free time - Preparation for campfire items

2200 Lights out

DAY 3

0800 Breakfast at adventure camp centre

0900 Activities brief

0930 Waterfall Abseiling

1200 Lunch at adventure camp centre

1330 Kampong Konnection Kompetition in Tube/Kayak challenge back to adventure camp centre

1730 Activities debrief

1800 Wash and preparation for campfire

1900 Dinner

2000 Campfire

2230 Lights out

DAY 4

0800 Breakfast at adventure camp centre

0900 Activities brief

0930 Pinnacle Rope Course

1200 Transfer back to adventure camp centre for lunch

1300 Activities and final debrief

1400 Pack up and depart for Singapore

1930 Dinner at Yong Peng

2030 Onward journey to Singaopore

2200(est) Arrive at Dover MRT

The Day You Are Gone~~

Finally decided to start posting on my blog liao~~~

Recently i start to like a girl since last 3 months not long after i had seen her~
The reason why i like her is because not of any stupid crush, but really true feeling towards her and what my heart is telling me~
I really do like her and want to really start a relationship with her as i know that she is someone that are serious in relationship and want to stay in a long relationship that nver gives up so easily~

I want to hold on tight to her very very much, till one day i hold on to her too tight till i start to pressurize her.....

There's one day, when we go out with her cliques, there's a friend of her who is really really funny!!
I do admit it that he's damn funny~~
That causes me to waive, and make me really jealous and make me feel really sad~

I feel jealous and start to lose faith in myself is all because that I am very afraid of losing you~~
You told me that you have the like feeling towards but not sure if it's a crush~
Makes me worried, that what if the like feeling starts to disappear and i will nver have the chance to like you and be with you~

So one day i totally lose my cool and blow my top and start to scolded her and trash out every of how i feel~
And eventually i made her angry, very very very angry.....

At that point i do not know what have i done.....

All i think is of my own feelings, overprotective of my own feelings and i totally neglected her feelings~
It's all because of my stupid depression.......
I know it's stupid to use my depression as an excuse....
After i hurt her so much.....
I start to feel the intense pain in my heart, i totally regretted and feel really remorse....

I start to hate myself for the nasty i said, i totally feel like killing myself and stabbing myself for all the hurtful stuffs i said to her~~

I lose the trust between me and her.....
And how much i wish that this incident nver happened.....

I dunno what i should do to erase this incident and the thing that i hate her so much.....

But i know that no matter how much i try to salvage the situation, the scar will still remain between us, and it will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life.....

Despite all this, I will not give up so easily~
I will do my best to salvage the situation and prove to her and show her my determination how much i want to be with her, how much i want to show her how sorry i am~
I know that all her friends will have hate me and cursing and swearing me if they know what i did to her~
But please believe me that i am really sorry and it's because of how much i like her and how scared that i will lose her that make me lose my cool~
Please believe me that i will not do this again and please have faith in me that i am gonna treat her even better than ever
I swear and i promise!!!

Please give me a chance ALPX~~